


No harm ever came from bathing outdoors...

by everythingremainsconnected



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, also bath bombs are important, baths in abandoned fields, crop circles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24535399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingremainsconnected/pseuds/everythingremainsconnected
Summary: Amanda spies an opportunity to be clean and the universe spies an opportunity to be, well, That Guy and ruin a perfectly nice time
Relationships: Amanda Brotzman/Martin, drummerwolf - Relationship
Comments: 16
Kudos: 77





	No harm ever came from bathing outdoors...

It wasn’t the soft sigh of the breeze through long grasses that woke Amanda. It wasn’t the deeply annoying snores from Cross, his head dropping off the log he was sleeping on, that woke her. It wasn’t the occasional twitch of Martin beside her, who had a habit of flinching in his sleep like a puppy dreaming of chasing rabbits, nor was it Vogel and Gripps having a mumbled conversation entirely in their sleep. Not even Beast, who had a habit of sleep-dancing, disturbed Amanda’s rest.

It was the sure and certain knowledge that if she didn’t do something - and quick - she was going to piss her pants.

Amanda carefully stood up, a little wobbly after - she looked around the crop circle - many beers, and tried to plant her feet. The world and her stomach settled and her bladder screamed and she took one whole step before Martin’s hand lunged out to grab her ankle.

“Drummer? Wh’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Gotta pee.”

“Y’sure?”

“ _Very_. Please don’t make me prove it.”

At that, Martin snorted a sleepy laugh. He let her ankle go and rolled over, seemingly going right back to sleep. She might have lingered over the softness of Martin’s sleepy face, but any opportunity to get closer to such an enticing sight was directly tied to maintaining bladder control and, like, a shred of personal dignity.

Amanda pulled her boots on and shuffled off in a hurry. The crop circle was big enough for the six of them and a campfire, which meant lots of tall grass and trees were close by for cover. Whatever kind of farm the field may have belonged to was long abandoned, its fences reduced to weathered stumps and drooping, rusted barbed wire. Amanda easily stepped over such a remnant in search of a slightly private area. Deeming herself far enough away and unable to hold on any longer, Amanda took care of business. She kicked dirt over what she left behind and sighed with relief; her boots and pants made it out of the situation unscathed.

Her bladder no longer calling the shots, Amanda decided to take a wandering route back to the campsite. The boys would find her quick if anything happened - anything like an attack - and knowing that gave her all kinds of badass confidence to just take a walk like a somewhat normal person.

Walking around an overgrown field in maybe Illinois (it could have been Iowa? Martin would know) didn’t exactly qualify as a normal thing to do, especially coz she was there with psychic vampire guys and a rainbow maybe-girl while they waited for the universe to kick the next nightmare into gear, but Amanda was very much aware of being grateful for the moment.

As Amanda rounded a huge tree of some kind, she came across another flattened circle with crisply perfect edges. This one was smaller than their chosen campsite with one huge difference.

Right in the middle of the circle was a rusted tin trough full of water.

Amanda’s eyes lit up.

*

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s a bath,” Amanda told Martin for the third time.

“It’s a trap,” Cross corrected. He folded his arms over his chest and glared at the trough.

Amanda rolled her eyes. “It’s probably a universe thing, sure, but it is also a _bath_. And I want to take a bath.”

Beast approached it cautiously, sniffing around the edges and looking underneath it, just as suspicious as the boys. She went so far as to lick the water and Amanda winced. Beast paused, waiting, and after a moment of no adverse reaction whatsoever she nodded.

“Wetty splash?” Beast asked Amanda.

“Hell yeah-”

“Hell _no_.” Martin cut her off and glared at the trough. “It ain’t safe.”

Amanda raised her brows. “Beast literally just drank some and she’s fine. It’s just a bath and I feel sticky. If it’ll make you feel better, y’all can wait right there,” Amanda pointed to the edge of the circle, “and be ready to make a daring rescue at a second’s notice.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I do. Go wait over there. We’ll be fine.” Amanda smiled sweetly and waited for Martin to break their staring competition. He caved and stomped off to the circle’s edge, Cross, Gripps and Vogel close behind, the four of them facing away from the trough.

“I don’t like it!” Martin said again.

“What if it’s a weird moon again?” Vogel asked.

“I have more power there than I do here, remember?” Amanda said as she stripped off her clothes. “We’ll be fine. And clean!”

Beast made her happy chirping noise as she followed Amanda’s lead to get naked. “Clean, clean, squeak and splash!”

“Boys, go get her bag from the van,” Martin ordered. “The one with the towels.”

“And the bombs?” Vogel asked plaintively.

“Sparkle bomb!” Beast shouted in reply.

Amanda laughed at the confused mutterings that faded as the boys trudged off. They didn’t understand the point of baths or bath bombs or towels or soap and by some miracle they mostly didn’t smell, but Amanda was nowhere near so lucky. Whether Beast ever actually sweated or not was unclear but she loved playing in the water and Amanda loved not being alone. Beast was nude first and jumped into the water with a happy squeal. Amanda followed at a more sensible pace, her back to Martin, squeaking at the cool water enveloping her body.

“Drummer?”

“Still fine,” Amanda said quickly. “No attack.” She sat on the trough’s bottom and waited as calmly as she could. “No attack,” she said again, more confident this time.

Martin grunted. “You tell me if anythin’ happens.”

“You’ll know it before I do.” Amanda heard the boys coming back and sank below the water line. She hadn’t thought this through; someone was going to have to bring the bag to her, while she was naked, in crystal clear water. The boys didn’t care about anyone being naked and Amanda was trying to also not care but old habits died real hard.

“I got it,” Martin said, resigned to his fate.

Amanda briefly contemplated drowning herself.

“No peeking allowed,” Vogel reminded him.

Amanda seriously considered drowning herself.

Martin sighed. “Go on now, y’all don’t have to wait around.”

Amanda heard the boys rush off and closed her eyes. If the earth could open up and swallow her, that would be cool. Arriving stark naked in Wendimoor would probably be less awkward.

“I ain’t peekin’,” Martin said quietly. He threw the bag and it landed squarely next to the tub. “I’m here to catch an attack, that’s it. Promise.”

“I know.” Irrational regret shot through Amanda. She waited for Martin’s footfalls to retreat to the crop circle edge again before she sat up to lean out of the trough. She looked toward him and saw his back resolutely turned to her. She _wasn’t_ disappointed by that. Not at all.

“Bomb-omb, bomb-omb,” Beast chirped. “Manda, bomb-omb!”

Amanda smiled and dug through the bag. “Bomb-omb,” she agreed, holding a sparkly pink ball aloft. “Ready?” Beast cackled and splashed and Amanda reverentially placed the bath bomb in the water between them. It fizzed and sparkled and Beast was utterly enthralled.

“Y’all are bananas,” Martin offered from his safe distance.

“ _You_ are,” Amanda retorted. “Maybe it reminds her of home, or something.”

“Oh yeah? What’s your excuse?”

Amanda watched the glitter surround them and sighed happily. “I don’t need an excuse to wanna feel magical.”

“You’re plenty magic all on your own.”

Amanda’s heart flipped in her chest and a warm blush crept up her face. She dunked her head under the water before Beast could see; the last thing she wanted was a shouted conversation about why her face was all red. Amanda resurfaced and saw Beast sink beneath the waterline. After a second, Beast splashed back up and grinned at Amanda.

“Manda turn, Manda turn!”

“What’s goin on?” Martin asked quickly.

“A game,” Amanda laughed, “we’ve invented a fun new game and I can’t _wait_ for her to play this with you guys in the next pond.”

“Yeah? Are you gonna play too?”

“If you play your cards right.”

Martin cleared his throat. If Amanda didn’t know any better, she’d swear it was an awkward throat clearing. “Hurry on up, Drummer. Don’t want you catchin’ cold.”

Amanda laughed again and splashed beneath the water. The glittery torrents around her morphed into waves and the trough fell away. Water rose up and up and up and she couldn’t see the surface anymore and knew, deep in her bones, that she could swim upwards for an hour and she still wouldn’t find air. Amanda floated along the sparkling currents and thought of the backstage of the universe. It was blue and black there, and here was pink and maybe some purple, and the lack of air was definitely going to be a problem pretty soon, but there was a familiar sense of dawning understanding creeping up behind her eyes. At least it didn’t hurt yet.

There shouldn’t have been light down here but there was and it caught in the glitter and flashed in Amanda’s eyes like sunlight off a mirror. The flashes showed her fragments of pictures and lightning bolts zapped between each flash, weaving together in a crackling tapestry that would never make as much sense as it did right now. Amanda was desperate to pin the certainty down and commit it to memory before her air ran out and her body called her back. Bursting lungs were secondary to all of _this_ , the crystal pink moment when she could see everything, every bang and whisper of connection across the universe, _all_ universes, her path clearly laid out before her and the next step was right-

Hands wrapped around arms and _pulled_ -

A flash of light burned Amanda’s eyes and she opened her mouth to scream and breathed in water-

 _Ooh no ow shitshitshit Martin HELP_ -

Air burned Amanda’s lungs and it hurt worse than the water. She coughed and choked and gagged and coughed some more. It took a few goes before she could manage a breath that satisfied her panicking body and she gulped fresh air gratefully. Amanda was significantly less grateful when she opened her eyes and found Martin staring at her. The naked fear behind his glasses brought her heart to a screeching halt.

“Martian! Martian!”

“It’s ok, Beast.” Martin smiled tightly. Vogel had tried the nickname exactly once and ended up on his ass in the dirt, but Beast could get away with a lot. “You in there, Drummer?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m ok. I think.”

Martin peered at her anyway, searching for truth. He carefully pushed the wet hair from Amanda’s eyes. “You can quit uppin’ my limit any day now.”

For a second Amanda just smiled up at him but remembered- “Shit.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

Amanda almost wished she’d drowned. “I’m naked.”

“Lucky someone taught me some manners once,” Martin said. “I didn’t peek while savin’ your life.” He gave a small smile and moved away to retrieve a towel. He left it on the edge of the trough and took up a new waiting position within arm’s reach, still with his back to her. He managed the whole process without looking at her once.

“Thank you,” Amanda said quietly.

“See anythin’ this time?”

Amanda leaned back in the trough and smiled reassuringly at Beast. “I saw _everything_ this time.”

“Remember any of it?”

“I’m trying.” Amanda sighed. “Lights, blankets, Todd on fire. I dunno. If I think about it too hard it, like, goes away. I can’t force it. I wish I could force it,” she grumbled and splashed the water crankily. Beast splashed her right back, hoping for another game, but Amanda yawned instead. “I think I’m ready to get out. Beast, can you help me up?”

With a quick nod Beast stood and tried to drag Amanda up. It did not go well; Amanda’s legs were more interested in impersonating overcooked noodles than functioning limbs. “Martian, help now?”

Martin half-turned before catching himself. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need a hand out and I’ve got jelly legs. Naked jelly legs.” Amanda fought to make her body cooperate but everything just _hurt_. Beast was doing her best but disproportionate strength was not amongst her many skills.

“Martian,” Beast whined, losing the battle with a slippery Amanda.

Amanda looked at his stiff shoulders, his tense hands. “Martin, c’mon. Just get the towel, and… and gimme a hand here.”

Finally stirred into action, Martin turned and swooped for the towel. He held it out in front of him like a shield. “Arms up.” Amanda weakly did as she was asked, with Beast’s help. Martin stepped forward and wrapped the towel around Amanda just in time; she swayed and drooped and he caught her before her knees gave out entirely. “Gotcha.”

“You wish,” Amanda joked weakly. She could barely keep her eyes open and every breath added more weight to her bones.

“Bed time?” Beast asked.

“Bed time,” Martin confirmed. “Get yourself dressed, Beast. Drummer’s gonna need a hand.” He looked down at Amanda, who seemed three quarters done with being awake, and buried a smile. “Imma swing you on over here. Ready? Three, two, one-” and he was swinging Amanda over the edge of the trough with ease.

“Again, again,” Amanda mumbled and laughed. Martin made sure her feet were safely on the ground before testing her strength and finding it lacking. “No, don’t drop me!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Martin said. He lifted her into his arms with zero effort and looked for Beast. She’d put on undies and a shirt and then evidently got distracted by looking for all Amanda’s things. Her arms were full and she grinned. “Good job, Beast. Let’s get back.”

Amanda tapped Martin’s shoulder. “I can walk myself, you know.”

“Liar.”

“Can too!”

“Oh yeah?” Martin went to put Amanda down and she flailed weakly. “Didn’t think so. It ain’t far, Drummer. Quit your wrigglin’.”

Amanda pouted; being carried wasn’t a smooth ride and her head swam with every step. As the seconds ticked by she became increasingly aware of the breeze against her bare ass and cursed the short towel. Martin’s arm beneath her thighs, one hand curled around her leg, was a distraction but would only end up making things worse, she was sure. She shivered and closed her eyes and _remembered_ -

“There was a computer,” Amanda mumbled, “one of those old big ones with disks bigger than my head-”

“They got smaller?”

“It was in a cage and it was cold, and then the lightning came.” Amanda yawned hugely. “What do you mean, ‘they got smaller?’”

They’d reached the van and Martin gently lowered Amanda inside the open side door before he spoke. “Last time I used a computer, the disks were about yay big.” He held his hands almost a foot apart. “I think I saw somethin’ smaller in the bad old days but it’s hard to know for sure.” Martin caught the lingering look from Amanda and huffed a small laugh. “Don’t you go feelin’ sorry for us. What would we do with a computer out here anyhow?”

Amanda snorted. “Fair. Beast, have you seen my pants?”

“Pantsez, fancy pantsez,” Beast listed as she picked up Amanda’s jeans and underwear and held them up _really_ high.

“Thanks a bunch,” Amanda said drily. She wondered if the pink tint of Martin’s ears was a trick of her exhausted eyes but didn’t have quite enough energy to dwell on it. He turned away from her but didn’t leave. “One leg at a time,” she said, more to herself than anyone else. Beast helped Amanda get dressed and then danced off to find the others, leaving Amanda sitting on the van’s edge.

“Is it safe?” Martin joked.

“Safe enough. Too tired to care. Where’s my boots?”

Martin spotted the boots by the van door. He picked them up and looked at Amanda through narrow eyes. “You want these on?”

“Just in case.”

“In case what?” Martin didn’t really expect an answer so he knelt on the ground and unlaced the boots properly to put them back on Amanda’s tiny feet. “You ain’t no fortune teller, Drummer. Stick to your voodoo crap.”

“Stick to _this_.” Amanda gave Martin the finger.

“That’s the thanks I get for helpin’ with your shoes?”

Amanda snorted. “Be thankful I don’t kick your ass for being so rude to your witchikookoo.”

“You couldn’t lift your foot if you tried.” Martin sat back on his heels and laughed at her fiery scowl.

“You better sleep with one eye open,” Amanda warned as she fought not to smile.

“I always got my eye on you, Drummer.”

“Is that right?”

“You got a talent for findin’ trouble.”

“You’re not wrong. After all, I found _you_.”

Martin’s eyes were bright as he stared. “That you did.”

“I’m glad I did, even when-” Amanda broke off to yawn so big her jaw cracked. “Even when I’m too tired for life.”

“You should get some sleep.”

“Maybe,” Amanda said, lifting her chin stubbornly even as her eyes slid shut. “Where’s a pillow?”

“Hold on.” Martin stood and rummaged through the van for the good pillow and the softest blanket. He made a little nest for Amanda and when she could barely crawl into it, he helped her shuffle around, leaning over her to pull the blanket around her shoulders. “There ya go, I got you.”

“Yeah,” Amanda smiled sleepily. She lifted a hand up to grab Martin’s vest collar. “Hey.”

Martin froze. Her grip was weak but truthfully she could hold him any place she wanted. She enjoyed testing this hold over him and every time, it made him nervous. “You ok?”

“Yeah.” Amanda closed her eyes and pulled him closer. “Sweet dreams,” she whispered. Far too tired to remember how to be shy, she used the last ounce of strength to lift her head up, close the distance between them, and press a sleepy kiss to Martin’s lips.

“Sweet dreams, Manda,” Martin said softly. She was already asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you tumblr user occasionallygiveadamn for the prompt, i hope you have as much fun with this as i did <3 [i'm also tumblr](https://everythingremainsconnected.tumblr.com/) if you wanna say hi


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